Pope Scandal. It wasn't me states Eeyore

 Do not use tar or onions on your member. It could make you cry!

The last time I used a condom was when Roo blew one up when he thought it was a balloon. It had CR not Benedickt embroidered on it. I then painted it to resemble a twig, and tried to beat Christopher Robin at Pooh Sticks. Unluckily for me it went backwards, blown by the wind, and then went bang as it hit a thorn bush.

I did not, however, write to ask Pope, or was it Pooh, for his blessing of the idea, nor did I ask him for advice on how to prevent more Tiggers. Owl has been more helpful in that regard and has shown me a magazine with lots of guns in it, but I couldn't find one with room for my hooves, so I left it at CR's house with a hint "Beware Tiggers, see page 9".

I have beaten CR and Pooh at Sticks with my new invention which is two sticks knotted together with some of my tail, thanks again to Owl and Roo, in the form of a cross. I did tell Pope, or was it Pooh, what I had done; I was told that under the rules that my entry was not a stick, but in fact two sticks and a bit of bum hair, so I was disqualified.

Then they threw me in to get their sticks! Mine was so fast that I couldn't catch it.

Unfortunately, oh dear, their sticks were broken in the rescue, so I thought up a new rule. This is the Post Race Inspection of Stick, which meant that they were disqualified as their one sticks had become two sticks. So there. Eeyore is not stupid, just sad, very sad.